Brew is Not Sustenence

Yesterday, the nosiest of all the queens rang the doorbell and when I answered he peered over my shoulder and asked where my mom was. I told him she was in North Carolina visiting relatives. I was about to invite him in but I could see how badly he wanted to snoop, so I didn’t use my southern manners. I just stood there looking at him. He asked me how long my mom had been gone and I told him she left either Thursday or Friday, I couldn’t remember which. He asked when she was coming home, all the while craning to see into the house. Now I have little tolerance for snoops so I decided to have some fun with him. I lied and said I didn’t know when she’d be back and nervously asked him why he wanted to know. That’s when he showed his cards.

He said no one in the neighborhood had seen her in a very long time and they were all concerned. This meant they’d all been talking about her … and probably me. You know – the good-for-nothing daughter who doesn’t work and sponges off of her poor old widowed mother. He then had the balls to ask me where I go when I drive out of here in the middle of the night. I wanted to tell him it was none of his fucking business, but instead I stepped out onto the porch and closed the door. I could see his disappointment at my cutting off his view, I told him everything was fine and he shouldn’t worry about her. I’d have her get in touch when she got home … I just wasn’t sure when that would be. He stood there for a few seconds while I just stared blankly at him, avoiding eye contact, and finally he walked away.

It was then that I decided to teach him, and the rest of the cronies in the ‘hood, a lesson. At around four this morning, I got up and grabbed an old area rug that we’ve been meaning to get rid of, one large enough to hide a body in. I watered down some ketchup, poured it on the center of the rug, making a CSI type blood stain, and rolled it up. I popped the garage door open and waited until I saw the curtains in their front window open slightly. I drug the rug out onto the driveway, pretending it was heavy, and noisily wrestled it into the back of my Blazer. I drove off to a nearby dumpster and disposed of the *evidence*.

I’m expecting the cops to show up any minute. You think they’ll find this as amusing as I do?